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  • Writer's pictureAndrea Marston

Here's to sexually peaking during a global pandemic

Updated: Nov 2, 2020

About once a month I get real stupid and need that D if you catch my drift. I find myself rubbing off the old bean all day long, ohhh the luxuries that 2020 allows. And eventually, I will find my way back on tinder talking to guys who think I am actually going to hook up with them during a global pandemic and gather a few dick pics to tide me over until my period comes and I once again become the smart woman that I am when I am not horned up. This, I have come to learn about my body is ovulation.

This past year I have been working on connecting my mind and mindfulness to my body which I had long abandoned. I have been a cute lil’ fattie most of my 38 years and after years of struggling to lose weight or maybe like trying to accept my body, I just plain old checked out. Why deal with this part of myself that had just brought ridicule and rejection to my life? My brain and my personality are where I put in all my focus and I developed my career and my comedic voice and I just was like fuck you body.

I tried all the diets, I did all the exercise, and I did barely any of it for me. I did it to give my parents a “normal” daughter, I did it for all the guys I had crushes on to maybe like me back, I did to fit into the clothes my friends were buying - all of these reasons were about what people thought about me. Clothes were never going to fit. Guys were never going to pick me. Society was not going accept me. Blah. Blah. Blah.

After another rejection from some subpar guy, getting laid off from a Plan C job, and suicide attempt - I HAD ENOUGH. I was done with my body being a cage (great Arcade Fire song). I broke free at the age of 30 by just not giving a shit about what people thought about my body, myself included. I abandoned my body completely here.

Strangely, this was also the time I felt free enough to get back into comedy. Because I did not give a shit about what other people thought about me and wanted to have fun. Comedy brings my soul alive. I worked a day job, did comedy at night, and was constantly busy. I ate like shit. I sat all day at a computer. Did a show and drank and smoked weed and like disregarded my body so much until I could feel it be like “HEY BITCH PAY ATTENTION TO ME”. It yelled at me through sore backs, fucked up gut health, and a terrible sleep pattern.

Then Covid-19 came in and made the whole world crash and slow down. My life changed without permission and I was forced to sit with myself for months and months and months and we are still here.

During this time I have had no choice but to get acquainted with my body. Here are some things I have learned about my body in this pandemic:

  • Too much sitting and salty treats swell my ankles.

  • I can run on an elliptical trainer for 20 minutes without feeling like I am going to die and after that, I am a champion

  • My natural body clock is like 2:00 am to 10:00 am

  • I pee once an hour (is this normal?)

  • My whole world falls apart on cue - 7 days before I menstruate

  • Being with or facetiming an animal once a day makes my brain happy

  • Two hour walks are great but any longer and I will have a sore back for 3 days after

  • Two weeks before my period I am a lusty, nipple sensitive horned up monster

  • Drinking booze is not fun anymore, I just fall asleep

  • I am sexually peaking during a goddamn global pandemic

  • I like broccoli and kale and cooking?

I am not here to be like wooooo I love this global pandemic soooooo much but I am like okay I do see how 2020 has forcefully shoved time upon me to deal with my shit. It is kind of nice to get to know the flesh bag that is home to this soul of mine.

Now excuse me while I take a minute to decide if I am horny or sad… and what I am going to do if I am both.

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