Time

Often I am grasping for you like there is simply not enough of you to go around

I deliberately fill you up so that I can maximize my productivity and minimize feelings

When a moment arrives unscheduled I look back with regrets and forward with anxiety

Things I have put off and run out of time to do linger in lists upon unfinished lists

I rarely take a minute to assess if what I have done with my time has been worth it

So excuse me if I am caught off guard with all this time 2020 has given me to sit with

Floating in endless hours, minutes, and seconds that are freed up due to canceled plans

I cannot even fill my time up with another because we are all sworn to isolation

So for the first time ever I am forced to float around the endless abyss of time

To sit with my self in a way that I had been avoiding all my life and see who is there

Restlessness flows into boredom which flows into curiosity and then into peace

And I guess I am shocked that I don’t hate this pause as much as I thought I would

Time is filled with getting to know who I am again and what I want to do in this life

It is not the autopilot of my old busy schedule but I am here in my life fully present

Loneliness can feel like torture in one moment and freedom in the next

And I am forced here alone to live in that ebb and flow of that and allowed to heal

My demons are actually quite amusing and they keep me company with my cat

I lost a lot of things this year and I mourn them all every day in space and time

But I also celebrate the reunion of me, myself and I